Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Spew

I feel a dismantled blog coming on. Just a few things that have been on my mind recently.

It is July 30th, 2008. I've been back in the States for a month now. Much has changed. Much is changing. I know I am "physically" sitting in a cute, local bookstore in Loveland, Colorado. But the rest of me is scattered all over the place.

I've been thinking a lot about parts, sections, stages, chapters, and phases of life. Call if what you like. I'm goin with phases. I remember very well around 7, when I was no longer that cute little girl who could say virtually anything and people would laugh. So I moved into the "time to use your head" phase of my life. I remember at about 10, I realized I could no longer be the youngest person to do anything in the Guiness book of world records and being horribly devastated. I was now in the "being a normal kid" phase. I remember when my girlfriend Tiffany turned 16. Her birthday is before mine and one day she showed up in her parents car to drive us somewhere. This was the first time we drove anywhere alone and the whole time I thought, "We are gonna get in trouble. We must be breaking the law!" This was the "gaining responsibility" part. I remember when my parents dropped me at this place called "college" and drove away. I cried. This was the "little shove towards being on your own" phase.

Right now I am in a yet-to-be-labeled phase of my life. For example, when do we start calling girls "women" and boys "men"? Is there any age? Because at many awkward times I've been called a woman and looked around for who they were talking about. In Cambodia people commonly mistook me for 25 or older. I wanted to scream, "I'm only a child! I really shouldn't be here!" But indeed I can't fake 16 anymore and I have to move on. But it is still strange and in-between because I live at home, sometimes, yet, I lived in a foreign country, alone, for a year. This should make me instantly all grown up right? I still need my mom to figure out my insurance and credit cards. My friend Katelyn just got engaged. I am so, so happy for her. But it is so weird. She can't go getting married. We are just kids! Aren't we?

The word "identity" keeps appearing around me lately. Who am I? My identity is much different around certain people. There is an imaginary audience of people that I've been trying to impress, who probably never think about me or care about me. But my identity to them might have been "pretty" or "health nut". So now, things are different and it is difficult to engage in relationships where what they want for me and what I want for me are very, very different. If I were to paint a picture of me, what would it look like? Good question.

I just got back from Alaska this morning. We flew through the night and kinda crawled in the door this morning. The trip was great and beautiful and fun. My parents and I went with some friends/family of ours the Duppers. My dad and Larry had meetings, but we got to play a lot too. We saw Mt.Denali or Mt.McKinley, the highest mountain in North America. I got to go sea kayaking and see otters and moose. We hiked. We saw some awesome glaciers. We ate a lot of ice cream. We had a really good time.

I think what I liked best about Alaska was this: making new memories. I have been stuck the last month between Cambodia and today. I've just been re-adjusting and thinking and probably spending way too much time alone. It was good to go and enjoy and not think about Cambodia. Well, that's impossible. But I didn't think about Cambodia, as much. I just did new things and enjoyed being with people I love.

"Do what you like and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."

Way to be Dr.Seuss.

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