Sunday, August 17, 2008

Colorado to Nebraska

Well another big move. This time I stayed in the country. Well sort of, I now live in Nebraska.

All Nebraska jokes aside, it really is a good place to live. Coloradoans totally take the mountains for granted anyway. So we take great pride in having them and complain that Nebraska doesn't, but even when I go home, I stay in Loveland, the mountainless city where I live.

But Thursday morning, I loaded up my car and departed for this flat-hot state, reminding myself the whole way, "This is what you need to do". I don't know where home is right now. I suppose I'll try Nebraska on for size again.

I have been staying with my sister Ashley and her husband, Ben. These two are favorite people. I don't know how they do it. It's like they put their evil hearts together before I came out to Union my freshman year and said, "Ok, let's get her! Let's smother her with love! Muah-ha-ha!" Well, it worked. I feel horribly loved, disgustingly appreciated, and grossly understood. In short, I love them more than most anything in my life.

Friday afternoon found my sister and I totally abandoning the world temporarily to have a lazy afternoon together. We cooked, we watched Alias episodes, we chatted, so good. On saturday we did about the same, but Ben joined us. I got my first guitar lessons rocking out to Coldplay, we listened to podcasts that make us think, then we talked about it. They like to talk and they like to listen. They are good at both. We went for a walk, we talked some more. Really, I wonder if I could just grow old with these two! But I think eventually they'd kick me out of the house, but I will always proudly claim to be their first daughter.

I took my things to the dorm with the intentions of moving in, but staying the weekend with Ben and Ash sounded much more appealing. I got more moved in today. My roommate showed up today. Her name is Cherise. I think we'll do well together. She is a returning SM from Prague.

Speaking of SM's, I think I will spending a lot of time with them this year. It is an odd, almost indescribable feeling to return first of all to the states, secondly, to the college life. I'm basically predicting here and now, a lot of frustrated-sounding blogs about re-adjusting to the college life and my difficulties fitting in. I feel it already.

I know routine and starting classes will be good for me. But right now, I'm waiting. I feel like a terrified incoming freshman. I might as well have never gone to this school. I don't recognize anyone. No one knows me. I feel awkward and uncomfortable at a school where I've had some really good times. I walked into the cafeteria and wanted to cry. I didn't see one familiar face. I feel, out of place.

I feel that here is a lot of pressure in college. Some of it is self-imposed, some comes from people I've mistakenly called 'friends'. Either way, I can see this year being a struggle to maintain how I want to live my life, versus how everyone else thinks I should.

I haven't even started classes yet. Leave it up to me to overanalyze, I'm quite good at it. I may be just fine in a week or two.

My parents called while I was moving into my dorm room, alone. I wanted to cry. But they were too far away to hold me, so I didn't.

I am not a patient person. Example: I would rather do a task one way even if it takes a lot longer, as long as I can start it right now. I asked Ben if there was a way to copy and paste all of my blogs to my computer. While he was searching for the answer, I just went ahead and started doing it. He was searching for a program he'd heard of that may be able to do it automatically. Still, "It would just take to long", I decided. I don't like to wait.

I dread that in-between stage. Like the line before a roller coaster, hate it. Or that silence when you're between two songs on a CD, should I say something? What about brunch, always an awkward meal, ya never know when you might be hungy again. Just weird. Oh how about puberty? Ya, that's uncomfortable. The in-between stinks.
I feel like I am living in the in-between, and more than just the, about the start college thing. I feel like I am a talented person with a lot of potential, yet things just keep getting in the way. May it be health problems, the eating disorder, or painful relationships, it feels like there is always something standing between me and the life I am truly capable of.

Last week I was blessed to have a conversation with a good friend. He's got a full plate of struggle in his life and as I listened to what he was saying, I heard myself. I had felt the same way. Where it came from, I don't know, but I said, "Ya know, there is no such thing as waiting for your life to begin, this is it! You can't wait to be happy or feel loved or valued until you jump the next hurdle. You'll miss out if you don't learn that the life you are living right now, is up to you. Your life is your fault." I was somewhat suprised I said it, because I don't always believe it. But on that day, I did.
A friend from highschool, Megan, reminded me one day, "Heather, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." Busy recovering, busy finding financial stability, busy hoping people will like you.

Busy, busy, busy.

I'm not necessarily inspiring myself as I write this. I need to learn this lesson more than anyone else I know. But I suppose I'm hoping that talking, writing, and thinking about it will someday make it true.