Friday, September 19, 2008

11:01pm

I checked my voice mails. None. I checked my text messages. None. No one I know lingering outside the dorm to talk to. No new emails. My roommate is already asleep. I'm tired, but I know I won't be able to sleep, not until I sort out what's going on in my head (I realize there are much less public ways to do this, but by now I'm used to this).

I can't just keep running. It's like I am searching to find a place where I belong. I want to feel like I fit. But somehow, I end up feeling lonely here too.

Tonight's vespers program was put on by Children of the World, a touring group of orphans from Africa and their sponsors, who sing and give their story in a way that had everyone on their feet applauding by the end of the evening. Inspiring.

I've seen Children of the World before, my freshman year. I remember sitting and watching these awe-inspiring children thinking, "I've gotta go do something about this. I want to help." Coming full circle I found out not all children of the world sing and dance and have bigm sweet smiles. In fact, come children of the world pooped their pants in my class, but that's another story.

Nights like this only add to my discontentment over where I'm at. I know, I know, another one of "these" blogs. But the more SM's I talk to, the more they're feeling the same way. I am obviously just a lot more vocal about it.

I don't want to be in school. I want to be leading a Children of the World group of my own. I want to adopt a kid(s) from Africa. I want to raise awareness about AIDs. I want to talk to victims of sex trafficking and help them tell their stories to change lives. I want to counsel teenagers abusing substances.

I want to do something that matters and I'm having a hard time feeling like antyhing I'm doing right now does.

I'm not making myself out to be some sort of saint, as if I am the only one on planet earth who wants to help other people. I know I am not alone, but I just wonder if I'm in the right place. Getting a taste of helping others in Cambodia got me good. Because now I feel so uncomfortable with my life. It just doesn't seem to fit.

As I read daily emails from my kids in Cambodia or Fay or Polly, I almost think, "I want to go back". Can you believe that? Have I gone completely insane? I spent the last year struggling painfully to get through each day and now I want another round of it?

Being back in the States has offered a great deal of perspective that I just didn't have while I was in Cambodia. I'm glad to be back. But sometimes it feels like every part of me is itching to just run away, I'm not sure where, but away. Antsy-ness I suppose.

So many things in my life right now, from my gym membership to the school newspaper's latest rant about cafeteria food just seems meaningless. How can I thrive in an environment that no longer seems important or fulfilling, without just blending in and forgetting everything I've experienced?

(This is a rhetorical question. Because if anyone knew the answer, I hope they would have already given me the answer.)

Now 11:27pm and still no answers.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

have we talked about you becoming a social worker?? I mean, seriously...we should talk about it some time. I'd like you to seriously consider it. I love you, friend.

- Katelyn

Anonymous said...

i like you.

in a non romantical sort of way.

i just like your thoughts and your willingness to share them.

yep, i like you.

Anonymous said...

I can't agree more... I have that "run away" feeling also, but I feel like it might just be a longing for heaven