Sunday, September 28, 2008

Discontent

I don't feel like I belong here, at Union college, in Nebraska, in this body, with this state of mind. I don't like the person I am. I don't seem to fit. I am the odd one, or does anybody really like themselves?

I'm living in a state of overall discontent.

I don't want to be in most of my classes. I don't see the point. But here I sit.
I don't want to feel so negative, but I'm honest.
I don't want to be spiritually lost, but I am.
I don't want to look this way, but I do.
I don't want to think like this, but I do.
I don't want to be who I am, but I am.

Yeah, I think I'm discontent.

The aftermath of being an SM last year is showing up a little more each day. I don't feel like a Sophomore in college, I feel 10 years older. Many of my friends have moved on with new friends and it is hard to find things to talk about anymore. I feel like I missed out, but they don't feel like they missed out. It is hard to talk to a lot of my peers in college. Our conversations are different, our priorities, our viewpoints. There is an overall disinterest in where I've been, that I just wasn't expecting. I'm not wanting to be a celebrity, but I'm shocked at how little people care about where I was last year. It seems so irrelevant to them, yet every single day, I'm thinking about my kids.

When I hear friends complaining about their homework or worship credits, I usually just shut my mouth to keep from preaching at them. Most people have no idea they are in the minority of the richest people living on planet earth today, because they've never left the United States to realize there is a big world out there, hurting.

Let's re-emphasize, Cambodia is not where I want to be. I miss my kids, but most of all I miss feeling needed.

My kids keep emailing. Sophea has a boyfriend whom I screened by asking all of her girlfriends what he's like. He's ok, for now. Kagna got her driver's license, though that's a joke because everyone drives without one. Fay got her car bumper knocked off by a tuk-tuk driver a few weeks ago, but he kept driving. It cost her $100. Still no justice. David doesn't want to be at CAS and is horribly lonely.

All my kids want to know, "How is your healthy? Your family, is they good? How your studying, is there any problem? Do you miss me?"

In short, "Yes".

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