Monday, September 15, 2008

Mini-Epiphany

I like to think that I get mini-epiphanys often. I like to think that my eyes are open wide enough to see what life is trying to teach me.

The summary of my last blog was: I feel useless, I want to feel fulfilled, and this isn't it.

So, how long am I going to wait before I start living? Because I feel like I have been waiting 20 years for the conditions to be just perfect before taking off. I have potential. I am not a useless glob of slime.

It is the perfectionist in me that has actually caused a lot of problems in my life, this being one of them.

I often say, "I'll be fulfilled once I kick this eating disorder"
"I'll be happy once I am in a relationship"
"I'll be ready to start living once I get my health all figured out"
"I"ll be grateful when I have more friends"
"I'll be content once I figure out my spirituality and God"
Basically, I'll be happy once life is perfect.

This hit me today, when I realized that my usual response to the question, "How are you?" is almost always, "Ok". I don't say "great" or "wonderful" or "splendiferous" because there are these obnoxious, unresolved issues in the back of my mind, saying, "You can't be 'great' until I say we are!"

I act as though I am constantly on the verge of a breakdown. I am not. I'm doing quite well.

Granted, my answer will not always be, "I'm great". But I am seriously considering why it couldn't have been today.

I went for a freezing cold, but exhilarating bike ride to the Sunken gardens this morning. I did squats till I could hardly walk. I had cereal, my favorite meal ever, for breakfast. I laughed so hard with a friend that I snorted. I went to my classes, which were more bearable than usual. I interviewed little kids about God. I went to drawing class and completely lost myself in it. I talked to a student from the Phillipines and felt I could relate to her own culture shock. I talked about deep, wonderful things with Pastor Rich. I watched Oprah, played tennis with Rachael, comforted a friend, and sit here with a cup of hot chai.

While you may not have wanted the full rundown if my day, heck you're still reading! The point is, it was a great day. No, my ED, boy, health, friend, future, God, purpose, stuff wasn't worked out. But I'm beginning to realize that the journey through all of that is life. It may not be ideal, or wonderful, or perfect, but a real life is far from those things. This is it.

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