Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I mean it

Straight from my journal, because that's how I like it.

"I feel liberated. I feel good. I feel happy, peaceful, inspired, and a bit, vulnerable, let's be honest.

I just spilled my guts, exposed my dirt, opened that can of worms, whatever it can be called, I did it. I told my story as best as I could in 20 minutes. I told 1,000 people, mostly strangers, those deep, dark parts that can remain hidden if I let them. But no, I'm more than this. I told the truth: eating disorder, spiritual doubt, sexual assault, SM experience, everything. I hope those who heard will do the same, will keep talking.

I've been changed. The V2 talk I gave at Union college called, "Cellulite" is the best summary of the last two years of my short life I could offer and I'm so glad I did.

People can now do what they want with it. Honesty continues to save me. Maybe it's going to be ok.

I am what I am. Slowly, I am learning that maybe that's enough. And maybe, just maybe, someone up there thinks so too.

Spirit. The something I cannot deny. I'm here, sometimes more fully than others, but I'm here. I feel something, a sense of ok-ness. The sense that I'm being protected, nurtured, and that I'm enough. This feels like home. This feels safe. This feels more right than anything I've ever experienced.

I'm afraid to lose this. I want to hold on to this with all my might. But I'm just going to keep living, keep breathing, and take this as it comes. It will come fast and slow, powerfully and violently, or soft and subtle. I'm putting down my armor and opening my eyes.

Let it be. Let it go. Let things happen.

Tomorrow may take me for a ride and next month may just threaten my very existance, but instead of fighting the change, I'm going to breathe. I'm going to dwell in this moment, this time when things feel right and remember it, learn from it, and be changed by it.

And so, to Spirit, God, Jesus, Brahma, Buddha, Sam, G-d, she, mother, or Lord: Thank you.

To whomever or whatever fills my body with life: Thank you.

I'm humbled. I'm in this. I need your help, your guidance, love and so much more than I've realized before. Spirit, do what you will, because I'm willing.

I've made this too hard. I've made you out to be something you're not. I've been angry and bitter. I've been hurt and frustrated. I've been placing the blame in all the wrong places, and now, finally, I see it. Now.

I'm sorry. I was wrong and I might be again. But I pray, and yes, I pray, that you'll not give up on me, keep taking me back each time, cause I'll keep coming.

Please take me and use me. I mean it."


Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you Heather. You have taken an incredible leap that the entire world is aching to do. It is people like you that change those around you, that change the world. I'm so proud. -J.A.