Friday, December 5, 2008

For Today

Running errands today I nearly cried each time I hit a red light, yeah, it's just been one of those days. Ya know, the kind when it seems the slightest things set you off and then compound into an all around crummy day? Walking through the mall was especially difficult, it always is. Can we please, please use real women as models and manikins larger than a size 0? What are they trying to prove anyway? Who are they catering to that actually looks at those models and thinks, Wow I feel good about myself because I'm sure no one else notices I will never look like her. Men I suppose.

I've been feeding an anxious mind for the last few days. I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I went up to see my sister between classes and it all came gushing out. She asked innocently enough, "How are you?" And of course, can't lie, "Ehh, I'm ok." Not more than 3 minutes later, I am in tears I just wasn't expecting to come out.

I'm overwhelmed.

-I have exams next week in classes I am neither passionate about nor interested in.
-I lack a consistent group of friends I can turn to and the friends I do have, I feel I've been neglecting.
-I miss my kids in Cambodia. I miss Fay. I miss feeling like I had even a slight purpose. I'm just another exhausted college student now.
-My book deadline is speeding towards me like a tsunami and I fear it's going to crush me and I'm going to drown in the aftermath. I don't love this book. I feel like it is lacking. I am not a writer and I am really disappointed in myself for how writing this book has taken back seat to a lot of other things. Working on 'the book' is what I should be doing right now, but, I'm not, again. I may never get another opportunity such as this and I feel like I've blown it.
-I have too many interests and hobbies. I want to sing, write music, learn guitar, read more books, train for a bike race, write more, play basketball, write for the newspaper, be in Amnesty International...and on and on. The problem comes when I try to do it all and really end up doing nothing at all, then just getting mad at myself because I'm not.
-My health is less than great. I get sick after every meal I eat because of the crum in my intestines I brought back from Cambodia. I'm on another round of antibiotics. I'm sick and I'm tired. I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm not eating well. It shows.

For some reason making lists of my stresses makes me feel better. Not because I enjoy this overwhelmed-ness, but, I don't know why.

Pema Chodron, an ordained Buddhist nun, has a lot of wisdom, yes she does. She talks about sitting with the pain in our lives instead of running from it. She says the pain is the one thing we might have in common with all of humanity, it is pain that connects us all.

Sometimes that makes me feel better, but today, I do want to sit with the pain, but probably not how Pema was talking about. I want to sit here on my sister's couch, skip all the upbeat music that comes on itunes, and just cry.

Yeah, it's just one of those days, and I'm sharing to connect with humanity I suppose, if anything else, just to prove, yup people hurt, including me, at least for today.


Angela said...

Thank you for your posts, Heather. I can definitely relate to what you're talking about. On Thursday I freaked out about all the grading and planning I had to do for school. I cried randomly as well. So far, my coping mechanism has been ignoring it, but that means that today I have to buckle down and grade A LOT of tests. I hope things are better for you and that your Sunday is better than your Friday.


Carley Brown said...

We were meant for a different type of world. I've shared all of those feelings. I hope your stresses lighten. Your blogs are comforting and inspiring because I like to know there are people out there that have great depth, care, and love for things beyond themselves. I enjoyed reading 'Boycott' and this one as well.