Sunday, February 8, 2009

Repulsive

Sometimes I think in flowery language and gum drops and all things nice, and sometimes I tear myself to shreds, just because I can. Today was one of those days.

While the eating disorder has been dimming from my life the last few months, I still have my moments. It's these moments where I immediately forget how far I've come and just think, See, I knew I'd screw this up. I knew I'd never recover from this. Maybe they were right.

So without further adieu, my thoughts today, that I just need to say out loud. Nothing I'm proud of. Nothing I enjoy writing. But I need healing:

I hate the way I look. Why do I do I look this way instead of that way?

Why does she have to be so dang beautiful?

Why am I such a disgusting, repulsive person?

Why do people want to be around me...at all...ever?

Am I so shallow that this is still consuming my thoughts?

Was my dietician right? Will this be my life for at least 7-10 years?

I don't want to be awake.

I don't want to be living this right now.

Why did I eat that?

I want to throw up, the ultimate reset button.

I don't want to feel this. I want to be numb to this pain. I wish this wasn't a part of my life, but it is, and I hate it.

It's been three years ED and me. There has not been one single day that I haven't dealt with it in some way. No vacations. No holidays.

My head aches from crying. I feel repulsive to myself. I can hardly tolerate myself today.

Some days its easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I've felt it and I've seen it. But right now, I can't. Either that or I don't want to.

Some days I feel I'm just existing. Not feeling or reasoning or enjoying, just sitting like a dead carcass, waiting to be moved or inspired or slapped around to get some life back in to me.

Waiting to come back to life. The life that will continue whether I'm totally in it or not. The life that will not wait for me to beat the eating disorder, become a social butterfly, or learn contentment. Time will pass whether I get perfect grades, be everything to everyone, or perfectly fulfill my purpose here.

Time will go on and I sincerely hope it doesn't pass without me, but I feel like,




it is.

1 comments:

Carley Brown said...

Oh those days! not fun. I've never had to deal with an eating disorder but lately I think alot how nice it would be to 'look that way' and maybe if I looked that way I'd somehow be magically happier. Some days I feel like I'm just existing also. Living but not really 'living'. I guess thats what living is sometimes. Just existing and surviving. I dont know. You have a boyfriend right? he needs to start grabbing your butt and telling you how hott you are everyday. It will probably help some of those feelings fade into the shadows..lol. I've never met you, but I'm pretty positive your probably pretty damn hott and you'd be the girl to me who I was wishing I'd look like :)

I hate headaches from crying. I know what thats like. I was uncontrollably crying because of the feeling of loneliness a week or two ago. The next morning was better. Some nights are hard.