Thursday, March 5, 2009

Singing

Exactly a year ago today, March 5th, 2008, I wrote the following from Cambodia:

"I'm glad I woke up this morning...
-to get an email from Ashley
-because I'm no longer paralyzed by the "f-you"s I get on the street
-to hear Aliya pray, "...and thank you for Ms. Bo."
-to swing with the first-graders
-to giggle hysterically with Reachany and Sophea
-because JC and I made the whole school laugh at our flag raising performance
-because I haven't binged and purged in 2 days
-because Leeta took me by the arm and held on tight
-to tutor my Vietnamese girls at Khan's school"

And another, from February 24th, 2008:
"Reading back in my journals, I see the same feelings: never feeling good enough. Oh God, I just want to go home. The problem is not this country, the problem is me. I can't expect to run away to Cambodia and escape my problems. I'm stuck with me. I wish I was anyone else right now. I wish I was anywhere else right now. I wish I could take care of myself. I wish I wasn't afraid to be left alone. I wish. I wish. I don't know what spirituality is supposed to look like. I don't actually feel the presence of God. I just like feeling that I have someone to scream at. "

Oh, how things change. I miss these experiences. I miss my kids. I'm in a better place now, but upon writing my blog yesterday, trying to figure out, "What am I really hungry for?", I realized, I hunger for the same thing I've been hungry for my whole life;
to feel good enough,
to matter,
to make a difference,
to serve a purpose.

I can't live the rest of my life depending upon others opinions of me and having to constantly be told, "You matter." That would be exhausting, for everyone.

I need to intrinsically identify my worth instead of relying on the world to decide who I am. Until I master how to do that...

I'm glad I woke up this morning...
-because I've been having daily headaches since December, and suddenly without my realizing it, they stopped 3 weeks ago.
-because I had serious tummy issues when I landed back in the U.S. and slowly they are improving and I'm feeling much better.
-to realize it's been 4 months since I threw up and nearly 9 months since I did so daily.
-to laugh regularly, more than usual, just because I can.
-because it is 70-freaking degrees outside, in March, in Nebraska!
-to breathe in, breathe out, stretch, and nourish my body.
-to see my lovely sister Ashley. She really is all things lovely.
-to share a laugh with Mr. Blake.
-because the happier I am, the more I sing to myself throughout the day. I'm singing.

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