Friday, March 27, 2009

This is how it goes...currently

Bip, beep, beep. Ring, bringg, brrrriiinnggggg. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

"Hey Jeremy. I hate leaving messages but, I just wanted to let you know I'm not going to throw up tonight. Please don't worry. I'm ok, just needed to say it out loud. Talk to you later. Bye."

Bip, beep, beep. Ring, bringg, brrrriiinngggg. "Hello, sister!"

"Oh hey Ashes. How's the drive to Colorado going?"

Sigh. "Oh fine. What's up with you?"

"Ummm...I uh, really am calling for no other reason but to let you know, I'm not going to throw up tonight."

Without missing a beat she says, "Way to go. I'm so proud of you."

"I realize this is not at all a normal conversations among most people, and I'm glad we can kinda laugh about this," I go on sarcastic and obnoxiously cocky. "I mean I know I could throw up, but that would just be silly and exhuasting, ya know?"

"I do," she responds. "I mean, you don't want to waste time calling your close friends, telling Mom and Dad, telling your dietician, and writing a blog do you?"

"Huh, no! I don't have time for all that. Who would want to go through it? Not me!" Half-joking, but half-serious we continue to ramble and joke about what I would have to do if I decided throwing up was my only option. "It's going to be okay..."

"Oh totally, yeah, it's going to be alright," she assures me, because she knows I need it.

"Um yeah, tomorrow is another day," I boast. "And the more I talk this out with you, the more ridiculous it would be if I got off the phone and vomited anyway. I mean you'd be angry. I know you have such an awful temper."

"Oh, yeah, yeah. You know me, me and my awful anger problems," she jokes.

Long pause.

Ashley says, "You know I love you right? I'm so proud of you."

"I know. Thanks. I love you so much. Good night."

And, this is how it goes. This I can handle. I don't enjoy writing this, in fact, I hate writing this. A friend told me, "I am shocked sometimes at what you write on your blog, but I"ll admit, lots of times, I'm feeling the same way and I like knowing I'm not totally crazy."

Compared to where I've been, I'll take this over that any day.
Because even though as I sit here writing this, the toilet is 20 feet away, I don't need to.
The dorm is empty, everyone is at vespers, but I won't.
I could and no one would ever know, but I know better.
My stomach hurts painfully and laying on my stomach is the only position that feels better, but that's what I'm going to do.
Tomorrow morning I'll feel sick and won't have much of an appetite. I'll feel pressure to eat and girls might look at me weird if I don't, but it's going to be okay.
All day tomorrow, my metabolism will be off and I'll probably feel sick. Food is most likely the order of the day from potluck to a wedding shower, and I can't avoid it, but I'll survive.

This eating disorder does not need to own me. I am more than this. I have dreams bigger than this.

In my dreams I am an advocate for positive change in women and how they view themselves.
In my dreams I am a women's counselor like Mary Pipher.
In my dreams I work with organizations to hold the media accountable for what they promote.
In my dreams I nourish my body and exercise entirely through dance, yoga, and sports.
In my dreams I marry someone who defies the abusive voice in my head and loves me "exactly" as I am.
In my dreams my kids grow up with a positive example of health, happiness, and joy, not what the world has turned her into.
In my dreams comments like "You've put on weight", "You're going to wear that?", and "That's not very lady-like" don't hurt.

In my dreams I'm not a brand new person. I'm not someone else. I'm the same girl, but with a bit more wisdom, strength, and love for others and for herself.


This is how it will go...someday.