Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What I Know for Sure

Sengphor writes:
"HI, how are you Mss Bo? I sill remembered once you caught me copying the answers from Vatana, and I got 0 in that assighment. I want to thanks very much for that. Because sinces that I did my best and I got my good grade. Thanks once again for coming to teach us here."

Vitya writes:
"Sisster i see it i reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy like ti . oh! the ball ring. i have to to chass i missssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss."

Kagna says:
"You're so sweet, do you know?? You made me smile when i was sad.My exam result were bad i guess. i got 79% for English and the rest of the subjects i got A and B i didn't feel i like the result but i was not angry with myself because i have to kind to myself , Miss Bo told me to do that... I really wanted you to come back to see how much we had changed we never complain.When the teachers gave us alot of home works, class works, or tests we never complain and did quietly. I know that is what want us to do while you teach but we never ever did it for you, I'm so sorry for that."

I continue to receive emails from my kids in Cambodia. Every time I hear from them, I remember what was. I don't want to be in Cambodia, but I want some of those feelings back. I want the simplicity, the less-hectic-ness, the purpose.

Purpose.

I am beginning to hate that word. Okay, I'm beginning to strongly dislike that word. According to studies, young college students like myself all go through this stage asking questions such as, "What is the meaning of life?" and "Who am I?" So do people ever find out, or do they just give up and accept that they'll never know and they don't care to keep searching.

I feel a lack of purpose when I run out of homework and realize, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I feel a lack of purpose when I drove to the gym, parked my car, and just sat there for about 15 minutes thinking about nothing in particular besides, "What am I doing?" I feel a lack of purpose when my kids in Cambodia beg me to come back and I am ridiculous enough to think, "Hmm, what if...?" suddenly seeming to forget how painful last year was for me.

Will I ever be content where I'm at?

Talking to my counselor this week she said, "Your deepness is both a blessing and a curse. Sure you want to know you matter, but I think you are slightly addicted to validation."

She mentioned a study done about overpraised children who no longer hear compliments nor believe them because they develop such a strong self-hatred and they start seeing people's praise as forced or less than genuine.

I thrive on knowing I'm even of minuscule importance to someone. I know that I cannot live on people's compliments alone. I have to have a better picture of myself than solely what people say I am.

So, on my way towards defining who I am and building myself up instead of relying on others, here is what I know for sure...

I am human.
I will make mistakes. I will fall, hard. I will learn, stretch, grow.
I am capable, durable, open.
There are people who love me. I don't matter to everyone, but I matter to some.
There is something bigger and greater than myself.

Sara Groves writes:
"So many words to say, but I'm opting for silence.
So many days to live, think I'm sitting this one out.
Cause something I've been chasing, finally stopped to let me catch it.
Something I've been longing for and dreaming about.

It's a whisper in my ear.
It's a shiver up my spine.
It's the gratitude I feel for right.
It's a mystery appeal that's been granted me tonight.
This peace."

Peace. Prayers.










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