Sunday, May 17, 2009

Riding the Waves

When I was five years-old I knew for sure that I had a family, a home, and love, though I didn't know why or how. I knew that Glenmere park and Grandpa's farm were my two favorite places on earth. I knew that boys were weird, siblings were a necessary evil, and that I liked school and strawberry ice cream.

When I was ten years-old I knew for sure that boys liked pretty girls, God should be my best friend, and sometimes life isn't fair. Moving was rough on me and I learned I was stubborn and outspoken. I knew for sure that five was long gone and fifteen couldn't come too soon.

At fifteen I knew for sure that life had the potential to be fickle and unpredictable, so I sought to control it. Planning, schedules, efficiency, and perfection trickled into my life as naturally as autumn winds. I knew for sure that I was pretty, perfection was my end goal, and I had confidence that I could handle life just fine on my own. I knew I was somewhat smart, good at sports and music, but it all paled in comparison to being skinny and pretty.

At twenty years-old I knew for sure that I was tired, exhausted, confused, and lost. Everything I thought I knew for sure had been ripped out from under me like a rug, and I landed on my butt--hard. I knew for sure that home was far away and so were the family and friends I so desperately needed. Life threw me a curve ball and I was struggling to stay upright. Alone was the scariest place to be, nonetheless, alone in Cambodia with bulimia, doubting everything I had once been so sure of, everything I had believed in. Fighting to comprehend, analyze, and make sense of the foreign reality surrounding me proved...hopeless.

And now, here I sit at twenty-one and a half years-old. What do I know for sure? I know for sure that I'll never know anything for sure. Life is fluid, constantly changing, unpredictable, and impossible to contain. Why would I try to control the expanse of the ocean? I can ride the waves instead of fighting them. Life is a journey. It's the getting there, the detours, the lessons, and the bumpy roads that keep me alive. My friend Kevin told me last night about snooping for his Christmas presents a month early and finding them. When Mom found out they had found the gifts, they had Christmas then and there. He said it was the worst Christmas ever because there was no anticipation, no surprises. Not knowing just might be okay.

I know for sure that the truth has set me free and will continue to. I want to be honest, transparent, and authentic until I take my dying breath because being in touch with my humanness and the humanity of others makes life entirely worth living.

I know for sure that this life is my own and I need to show up every single day. My personal best will change from day-to-day, I can't promise a 3.9 GPA and beaming smile every day, but I had to keep living my balanced best. If showing up means enduring and fighting for what I believe in, so be it. If showing up means allowing myself to change course, make mistakes, remove myself from a painful situation, or say a solid, "No", so be it. Never again will my pride make my decisions for me. Life is just too sacred.

I know for sure that the single greatest battle I'll ever fight is the one inside my head. The mind is a powerful thing, but there is always support, hope, and the road less traveled by.

I know for sure that there is something greater, bigger, wiser, and more powerful than myself in the universe. I cannot prove God, no one can. But I can choose to believe. Everyone may call it something else, but the more I learn, the more I realize how little I actually know. The complexities, intricacies, and details of a pecan are intriguing to me, nonetheless why people love, how the seasons change, or how every morning, without fail, I take a deep breath, my heart continues beating, and I am alive and well. Spirituality is constant amazement and I am amazed.

I know for sure that a year from now or ten years from now I will read this and think, Wow, that girl had so much to learn, and that's fine by me because if I know anything for sure in my short twenty-one and a half years on planet earth, it is this: I have a lifetime of learning ahead of me and I'm going to ride the waves one day at a time.



S. said...

somehow, i totally lost track of your blog and i found you again! horray! :)

Anonymous said...

you go girl

Hannah said...

you inspire me :-)

Jim said...

I like what you knew at 5. I think when I'm 50, I'll probably feel like I knew more at 5. Like a wise men said, "To enter the kingdom, you must become like a child."

So carry on kid!