Friday, August 21, 2009

I'm glad I woke up this morning...

I'm back at Union. Back to school. Back to classes. Back to the world of 20-somethings. Back to academia. Back to deadlines. Back to hurry and rush. Back to college.

Yeah, I'm not a fan. Ever since I drove my little red car, her name is Scarlet appropriately, into Lincoln, I've felt like turning back around and leaving. Don't know where I'd go. But something about here just doesn't feel right.

On my first day back I drove my stuffed car over to my new apartment to move in. My rooommate, whom I'd spent maybe 20 minutes with ever, hadn't arrived yet. I carried box after box, and unpacked random items like saran wrap, hairspray, textbooks, and dried banana chips all from the same box. It seems that my organizational self checks out when I'm packing up to leave somewhere. Unpacking is an adventure.

I felt like I was intruding. Moving into someone else's space. My chest felt like it was being pressed on and the more I looked around at the big empty apartment, the more anxious I got. Something just didn't feel right.

I unloaded everything and drove back to Ben and Ashley's house with a head full of thoughts, mostly This doesn't feel right. I talked to Ben about it. Actually, most of the time was spent just laying on an air mattress staring at the ceiling, with the occasional, "Ben, I...I...just don't know. I don't wanna live on my own."

After over an hour of this, I asked, "Would you ever consider letting me just live in your basement?"

"You're always welcome here," he said.

After that, it was pretty much decided. So yes, the same day, a few hours later, I moved all of my stuff, right out of the same apartment I had just moved into. As silly and horrible as I felt for doing this and changing my mind, as soon as I began moving to Ben and Ashley's, I just felt...lighter.

I went to registration the next day, Monday. Oh man. Lots of people. Lots of, "So, what'd you do this summer?" as they glance around casually for other people to talk to. Too much. I'm a one-on-one kinda girl. Mass chaos and socialization is not for me.

Most of the time, I felt ready to burst into ugly sobs that left me feeling overwhelmed, unseen, and scared. "I don't make a lot of friends, I make a few really good friends," I told Mr. Blake later in the afternoon.

He replied, "Ya know, if you keep saying that, you're going to start believing it."

He's right. He usually is. As much as I hate being here without my best friends; Rachael, who is thriving in So Cal at Loma Linda for Physical Therapy; Katelyn, who is happily married and just moved to Minnesota; and Jeremy, who happens to be getting a masters in outdoor education for free from Southern, the more I say how much I "hate" making new friends, the better chance I won't.

Dangit.

I was found by Tyler, a friend. He went through line with me and made it much more bearable. After spilling my guts to him about feeling less-than thrilled to be at Union, he said, "So, why are you at Union again?"

Classes began. Overwhelmed. Over analyzing. Tired. Lonely.

I don't get on my knees and pray. I write.

I write long and hard about what's going on in my life, my dreams, and my fears. Writing is healing for me and continues to be.

What Mr. Blake said about being a "few friends" kinda girl, the same could be said of change. You've heard me say it before, "I hate change," but on Wednesday I considered changing the mantra to, "I can handle change," because I can, I have, and I will again.

Change is part of life. It might not be my favorite part of life. But I can't make it on planet earth without it.

So here I am, Friday. One week down.

It's going to be all right.
I am not running out of time.
Life won't be this way forever.

I am blessed. I have to consider the good or else the opposite will overwhelm me.

I'm glad I woke up this morning...
-for a cool, morning bike ride.
-to live with Ben and Ashley.
-for a safe home.
-because I have a loving, supportive, understanding boyfriend.
-for Tiffany.
-because I have no M.J. Sclerosis classes this semester.
-because I finished the final edits on my book.
-because of Tyler.
-because of Sierra.
-to have fun writing for the newspaper.
-because I'm taking interesting classes (minus A&P).
-for good teachers.
-for the Tallmans offering their place as a refuge, and it will be.
-for Pastor Rich.
-for Mr. Blake.
-for good health.
-because the eating disorder is losing ground.
-because time is running away from me, it is there for the taking.

-because I can handle change.

2 comments:

caitlyn brianne said...

I'm a few friends kinda girl too Heather, I know exactly how you feel. I have felt so alone at Southern at times because I don't have some of my closest friends around me. I know how you feel.

Carley Brown said...

I wonder if Tyler is Tyler Henry.. does he still go there. I used to work with him one summer at Camp Mivoden. He's a great guy!