Wednesday, September 2, 2009

76 years-old

I strongly dislike Anatomy & Physiology.
I don't like feeling like the stupidest person in the room.
I spent 5 hours today studying for a quiz, filling out lab reports, and studying the chromosomes in cells of a fish.
I don't care about that fish.
I don't care about that fish's DNA.
I don't care that much about my own DNA.
I haven't set up observation hours for my Educational Diversity class.
I haven't pursued that job offer.
I don't feel prepared to teach that fitness class tomorrow.
I am not making money, only making more bills.
I miss my boyfriend.
I don't know what I believe about God and Jesus, because even though I'd like to learn more, because spirituality is important to me, it sure doesn't look like it when I have not found the time to read the Bible, because, let's be honest, I don't get a grade for "spirituality" at the end of the semester.
I want to talk to her. I know she needs help. I can't seem to find the time.
I have not been eating well. For breakfast I ate peanut butter and honey, on a spoon.
I miss reading books I enjoy.
I miss writing: journal, blog, or otherwise.
I haven't woken up rested and ready for the day
I haven't regularly emailed my kids in Cambodia since May.
I wish my parents didn't sound so surprised when I call them, but I understand why they do.
I wish my confidence didn't depend on the number of zits on my skin, the size on my clothes, or how much I didn't eat for lunch.
I wish I had time for people.
I wish I didn't get overwhelmed so easily.
I wish felt balanced...but I don't.

That's what this is: lack of balance. Again.

Why do the same obnoxious life lessons keep smacking me in the face?

I can't seem to escape from the same lessons that every wise person in my life must be getting tired of reminding me:
-Do your balanced best.
-Take it a day at a time.
-Just let things happen.
-Do your best with where you're at.
-Forgive yourself.
-Breathe deeply.

All good things. But why is that every time I hit the same place feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and tired, the same lessons are there waiting for me? You'd think I'd learn and respond graciously to them each time, but no, it just makes me more angry with myself.

I don't want to be waiting to be happy, until I can be with Jeremy, until the semester is over, until I graduate from college, until I have a career, until I have God figured out, until I retire.

When will I be happy if I'm only living for the next stage in life? Because I'm going to reach them, then I'll just be hungry for the next. Will I be 76 years-old before I realize: Huh, I wish I would've been more content then, because I'll never get those days back.

Is that the sad tragedy of life, we only see with clarity from our death bed?

Waiting for fulfillment, for love, to be beautiful, to be 10 pounds thinner, to be content, to be at peace, to be swimming in the Greek isles, to feel like I am exactly who I need to be.


Man, what did I miss in elementary school?


Hannah said...

Whoever Todd is, he's a genius.

Michael said...

May you find the happiness and balance you're looking for knowing the rest of us are desperately searching for the exact same thing. You'll find it. We all will.

Carley Brown said...

I don't think life is ever balanced. Its all craziness. The longer I live the more confused I get almost, or I guess the more I understand that life is almost just not meant to be understood, maybe I'm just babbling. Anyways, I'm glad your still blogging, I haven't blogged for awhile. You always keep me on my toes, entertained, and spur my thinking. Sorry you can't be with your boyfriend, thats rough.