Saturday, October 24, 2009

Dear Future,

Dear Future,
I want you to tell me that the hardest part of my life is over. I've crossed the biggest hurdles, I've wept the most bitter of lonely tears, I've hurt the most unbearable pains and move on with the scars, but it's all downhill from here.
I want you to tell me that I'll be happy. I'll giggle through late-nights of sidesplitting laughter, I'll watch in wonder the world around, I'll experience deeply the joys of life, and soak up the rays of the sun through rose-colored glasses and with a glass of raspberry lemonade in hand, the best is yet to come.
I want you to tell me that no one I love will die, the wars will end, and I'll only cry tears of joy. The weather will always be 75 degrees and shade will always be nearby. I'll always have what I need and what I want, within reason. Nothing extravagant, but I'd always like to have good people around me, enough money to live on, and enough good sense to know that's enough.
Future, please tell me that cancer, Alzheimers, heart attacks, and illness will never harm the people I love. No car accidents, rape, divorce, fires, or tragedies please. I'm not fond of change, so if you could limit that please, or at least bring more people into my life who seem to handle it well and can teach me a thing or two about life.
I want you to tell me that we'll forever be in love and we'll always be happy. He'll never want to be with someone else, cheat, or leave me. I'll always be enough for him. I'll always feel as beautiful to him as I do right now, even with a few wrinkles added here and there. We'll always be on the same page and be that couple that people look at and say, "Wow, they are so in love."
I don't want you to tell me that life will necessarily be easy, I see pain's place. But I do want you to tell me that I'll be safe, I'll have justice, and in the end, the good guy will always win. Please.
Maybe I write because I feel unsure. Maybe I write because I fear "fear itself." Maybe the more I learn the more I realize I don't know anything at all. I'm scared.
I'm scared that the life I want won't turn out how I want it to at all. I'm scared that I can't control life and it won't suit my time line. I'm scared that I'll be hurt beyond repair or I'll hurt someone beyond repair. I'll get stuck in my head for the rest of my life and people will say, "Poor girl. Remember when she still had life left in her? Poor girl."
Dear future, please tell me that life won't always feel this unstable, that somewhere along the way I'll figure things out and life will make more sense to me. Please. I won't get down on my knees and beg. But if I did, would that change anything? Because, I mean, if you really wanted me to...No, no! I can't, but I'm just feeling, kind of, vulnerable.
Basically, I want you to tell me that there is hope and always will be.


but not desperately....I mean, just...

with love,



See ya around, I guess,



Carley Brown said...

I like all your letters. They are a great format to display whats happening.