Friday, November 13, 2009

Dear God,

I'm not sure what to do with you. Dimensions and visualizations fail me. What do you do anyway? I'm lost on "God's will." That will probably always be up for debate; what that really means and all. I figure in the last 2,000+ years if the billions of people that have come before me haven't got you figured out, I probably won't either. It's hard for me to accept that.

It's one of those days when I feel like I'm about to break down. One more idea, burden, or thought to settle down on my shoulders and I'm going to crumble and it's not going to be pretty. I'm not sure it's much to look at now either. I wouldn't classify "getting by day to day" as thriving. It's just, getting by. Maybe my definition of "normal" needs revising. Maybe this is living. I don't know.

God, I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling this way, of being this way. I wish things were different. I wish I was different. Anger doesn't fuel my thoughts as much as exhaustion does. I feel like someone kicked me around in my sleep last night. The "devil" and "Satan" seem mythical and pretend to me. But I can get down with "evil." I see evil around me. Lately, it's been suffocating. Something provokes me to fear and I can't put my finger on it, but I'm scared and confused.

It seems I can't finish one thought or fight one compulsion, before falling head-first into another.
It seems that the weight of the world really is on my shoulders and this imaginary audience (who most likely exist only in my head) sits, holding their breath, expecting for me to fail.
It seems that I'm expecting to be pummeled. To stay down. Because getting up is just too hard.

I want someone to blame. I want to become more violent than I even know how and scream and hit and cry too, until I let it all out, until this makes sense. My wise mind tells me that by the end of my tantrum, I'll probably just be weak and dry, not having made any progress at all.

I want answers. I want a break. I want peace. I'm wondering if any of those things even exist.

Allison Lamon says, "If we seek emotional gratification from God without committing 'for better or for worse,' then we are trying to have the spiritual equivalent of premarital sex with God. A fling. Marriage vows do not read 'as long as our excitement shall last' because than can and will change."

Am I in this 'for better or for worse'? I feel like I'm getting better. I'm much less angry with you than I used to be. That's something. Maybe I need a positive outlet for my anger, because blaming you doesn't actually make me feel better, just more alone.

Thanks for good people.
Thanks for fresh air.
Thanks for book stores.
Thanks for Fridays.

I ask protection for my family and friends.
I ask peace and contentment within myself.
I ask justice for the voiceless, and peace to the hurting.

I think we're all hurting.

I am grateful, I am also in need. Prayer isn't the magic trick I thought it was when I was ten. I thought I could say the "right" words, in the "right" way and then I'd get what I wanted. I'm not expecting answers. I'm expecting this to take time. I'm not sure if prayers means your actually going to do anything at all. Maybe we're both just sitting, watching, waiting to see how this all pans out.


Anonymous said...

''Jesus said love one another. He didn't say love the whole world.''

Mother Teresa

''I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.''

Mother Teresa

Dan Rather interview Mother Theresa. He asked her, “When you pray, what do you say?” Mother Theresa responded, “I don’t say anything, I listen.” Dan Rather, not satisfied with her answer, asked, “Well, then when you pray, what does God say?” Mother Theresa smiled and responded, “He doesn’t say anything either, he listens.”