Thursday, November 19, 2009

Dear God,

I'm restraining myself from blaming you. Why is that always my first reaction? I suppose in a way you are as helpless as anyone else I could write a letter to right now. For some reason, it just makes the most sense to talk to you.

God's will? Ick. What is that? Who decides that? No really. Who? Because it seems to me that who decides God's will is whoever is preaching the loudest. Change happens based on whoever cares enough to speak up the most. I'm not so sure the Bible has much to say about "God's will" besides the fact that God is inherently good and evil is....well, evil. So is God's will that life is always good.

I imagine that if I had kids I would never create scenarios in which bad things happened to them just for the heck of it and if I did, those kids would be taken away from me. It's sick and demented to purposefully inflict pain on someone just so they can learn a lesson and reach for God. When I want to hear from a friend, or when I wish they would meet me half-way because I'm trying to help, I would never, ever wish bad things for them so that in the chaos of trouble they'd turn to me. I don't think you do that either.

I think you started the world and you have to play by your own rules, the rules you put in place. Gravity for example. You are not going to defy gravity so I don't crack my tailbone ice skating. Strapping sharp blades to my feet was my first mistake. I wouldn't expect you to bail me out of that one. Or another rule, like free choice. If I choose to walk that road, lie, steal, cheat; you can't suddenly fix my messes and make it all right. You have to play by your own rules and forcing yourself into my mind and manipulating reality would be going against the free-choice rule, which means you have to sit and watch, half-expecting me to blame you when it's all over.

I don't know that you are really shutting doors and opening windows. I wonder sometimes if you are as amazed and anxious about what's going to come next. Are we all sitting on the edge of our seats waiting to see how this is going to end? Because if you were playing puppets up there, I have to say I'd be pretty disappointed.

I don't get "God's will". I don't get your will. I feel like people hide behind it when they don't want to make decisions. I feel like people hide behind it when they do want to make decisions. Because either they'll say, "I don't know the answer to that question. I'm waiting for God's will." Or they'll say, "I know God's will and he told me to..." Yeah, either one feel like cop outs to me.

How does anyone really know your will? Can they read your mind and I missed that spiritual gift? How do they really know? I don't think they do. I think they can speculate, but no one could ever know for sure. So, if we can't know, what do we do?

I propose that we keep on living.

I know, revolutionary right? God you aren't calling me on the phone or writing, "Heather, make a right at the next light!" in the clouds. So what's a girl to do? I'm going to keep living. I'm going to keep making the best decisions I can. I'm going to keep seeking advice and encouragement from good people I love and respect. I'm going to be willing to listen. I'm going to try to seek the best options for everyone, avoiding my urge to be selfish. Overall I'm going to seek balance. I'm going to do the best with what I've got and hope, "have faith" if you will, that you want me to use the freedom of choice, the brain that you have given me.

I may be way off. This is where I'm at. I'm not sure there is a "right" or "wrong" answer. So until someone comes along after 2,000+ years and says, "Gadzooks! I've finally figured out God's will!" (which I would doubt them if they did), then I guess I just need to keep on living and seeking balance. Because you are not what I thought you were, and that's okay, because what I thought was not true, and a God of grace and humanity makes much more sense to me.



Carley Brown said...

I might just be me, but I think I'm going to use a curse word just to get my point across.

Damn your good.

I wish I could express and articulate honesty as well as you craft it together.

Thats why I keep reading. Cause your always spot on with what struggle with, or think about, or am contemplating at the time. I enjoy it. Its hard to find that, cause I'm always thinking "hey, this blog is almost a direct shadow of my own thoughts and questions"