Friday, December 11, 2009

Snow Days

I'm not a fan of weekends. Or snowdays. Or vacations.

They mess with my routine. They throw me off. They challenge my schedules and my everything-in-its-placeness. I sound like an old woman. Come step into my world.

I would take deadlines and routine over down time any day. If I'm going to binge and purge, it will happen on a weekend, snowday, vacation, or evening. Maybe all of the above. I feel lost without a schedule, without knowing where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do next. I'm horrible at relaxing. I don't seem to be capable of this skill.

This week we had a snow day from school. Hallelujah, right? Ick. I was excited at first. Went home Tuesday night, watched some episodes of Better Off Ted with Ben and Ashley, laughed, went to sleep.

Woke up the next morning at 7, instead of my usual 5am, felt off, felt lazy. Beat myself up for sleeping in. Tried to get work done, wasn't too successful. Ash and I talked for awhile, beat myself up for that too. I know I'm in a mess when I put the value of homework over time with my sister. How did I get this way? I went to the gym, felt like I had to. Classes were cancelled, so I missed out on A&P lab time, not happy about it, did some homework at the library, went home, didn't accomplish much, ate too much, got stuck in my head, got mad at myself, apparently unable to enjoy a simple evening with friends. By the end of the snow day, I didn't want another one. Too much time to think. Apparently I'm a fan of avoiding my thoughts. Dangit.

This snow day taught me a lot about what I value. Because as Jeremy called to ask excitedly, "How was your snow day?!!" I replied, "Ehhh." I listed what I did: slept in, talked with Ash, exercised (apparently I was the only moron who even came in...the WHOLE day, they told me), did homework, went to the grocery store, did some reading, had friends over for music. He said, "Oh, sounds like you did a lot." But it felt like I had done nothing all day. We decided that if felt to me like I did nothing, because I don't count relationships and time for myself as important enough to count.

Down time means that suddenly, I don't have to be somewhere, I dont have to do anything, and I freak out. I start eating, then I want to throw-up. This has been a trend for the last few weeks.

I've pretty much stopped taking a Sabbath. I do homework because then I'm doing something instead of just relaxing or reading a book or spending time with friends. If I don't go to church I don't have to deal with the dreaded Sabbath lunch. This is NOT why I've stopped going to church, just a nice perk. I avoid get togethers where there is food involved. If someone invites me to do something fun, I always seem to need a time schedule, a way out, so I can keep plugging along.

I'm not good at relaxing.

This is why I journal.
This is why I blog.
This is why I do yoga.
This is why, "Talk to someone" is on my daily list of things to do.
This is why I try to walk slower.
This is why I do not enjoy eating.

What if I like what I taste? I don't eat food I enjoy because then, I'm less likely to eat more than my designated amount. I eat fruit for breakfast. Vegetables for lunch. Beans. V8. So basically, it makes sense that, when I am around food, good food, you know, the kind that actually tastes good? I freak out. I'm not good at handling pleasure, joy, those feel-good feelings, that many people thrive on. I shut down.

I imagine myself like a teenage boy who has just been handed a crying baby. Flinching, cringing, stiff, rigid, uncomfortable, and scared.

I am a nut case. Geez. It's all so clear to me. I can't control joy so it scares me. I'm back to control. I'm back to perfection. I can't predict where pleasure will take me. I fear that if I enjoy food, people, and experiences, I won't ever return to my responsibilities, to the things that need to get done, to what makes sense to me and I can control.

If I find joy in it, it must be bad. I'll turn into that person who is lazy, who never gets anything done, who is unreliable, who gets poor grades, who never amounts to anything.

As Jeremy pointed out, "Would you ever advise someone you love to live by the standards you do?"

Absolutetly not.

Now that would be crazy.


Carley Brown said...

You might think your a control freak, and crazy sometimes, but honestly, your blog is always a breathe of fresh air to read.

At least for me.

I love it.