Thursday, February 4, 2010

Dear God,

I'm tired.

You know those kiddie roller coasters at amusement parks? The ones that only take-up a small corner of the park? Usually, they travel in a circle, with a few bumps, really little, just for interest. It probably looks pretty dinky to someone watching, like parents who know little Susie is having the ride of her life, but still kind think, Oh, someday she'll experience the real thing! But Susie's on board having the ride of her life. Yeah, that feels about accurate.

My life probably seems pretty small to you. It's hard to imagine that you don't look at me with the same eyes that I do and think: Oh come on, this again?

I'm tired of breaking promises to myself. Again. And again. And again. Four years worth of broken promises, well, at least in this realm.

Maybe I'm confusing you with what I imagine other people are saying, or at least what I know I am saying: All right, that's enough. This is ridiculous. It was an interesting off-shoot for awhile, but this is getting out of hand.

God, it's nice to have people around me who can say, "You're doing okay. You're only human. It's okay to feel this way." Okay, I get it. It's all right for me to feel this way, but I DON'T WANT TO. I'm tired.

I don't want to get out of bed this morning.
I don't want to show up to life.
I don't want to go to class.
I don't want to smile.
I don't want to try to make people feel special.
I don't want to be dating a boy who lives across the country.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to keep talking about this. I'm tired of talking about this.

The problem is, I don't know what I want. I know I don't want this. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to be living this. Beyond that, I guess I'm just whining because I'm out of solutions.

I've talked to so many people about this that friends of friends of friends in San Bernadino, California (a place I've never been) know about it. I've shared my story with a few thousand people by now. I mean, I've literally written a book on it. I've seen 5 different counselors. I've done EMDR trauma counseling. I've attended eating disorder groups. I've tried method after method. I've read books. I've practiced tapping into my body's algorithms. I've meditated. I've prayed. I've journaled. I've listened.

I don't want to sound like an indignant child who assumes that because there is a God life will be easy. I learned that one in Cambodia. Uh huh. I'm done being angry with you. I'm done waiting for my name to be written in the sky (though, if you want to, I'd be okay with that). But if life is going to hurt with or without a God and you're not going to be painfully obvious, then I don't know what to do with you.



Michael said...

I'm with you. I have no idea what to do when I want and try to change but feel like I'm going in the opposite direction. Am I doing it wrong? Am I just lacking focus or effort?

Through high school and college, I've never felt like God left me. I wonder if that would feel different for me if I had an experience in a place like Cambodia as you did. Nonetheless, I'm going off what I've encountered so far. And I've always felt God there saying, "It's OK. You're fine where you are, everything is going to work out."

While I've found that very comforting, I'm starting to get annoyed with how vague it sometimes feels. "Well that's nice, but what exactly am I supposed to do with all this crap? If I just leave it here, it's still going to smell. And if I remember correctly, you're the one that has the big ol' pooper scooper, right? Dig it out and give me a hand!"

It's not easy, and I don't know what to do with it either. When we don't have answers, we just lean on each other and keep doing what we can, hoping for better days.

Seth said...

Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself!

Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10