Friday, May 4, 2012


I have my martyr moments, but for the most part, the above statement only frustrates me.

Because if we're all sitting around expecting people to realize that "I'm okay" really means "I'm not okay" we're only making our lives more polluted, more confusing, more Hollywood-esque, more drama-filled.

Why can't we just say, "I'm not okay"? What's so wrong with being not okay? Because most of us are not okay most of the time. Why can't we just ask for what we need?

Is it not like the movies?
Is it not how we grew up thinking it would be?
Is it uncomfortable?

A difficult reminder from a dear friend, "Heather, your life is your fault." It's true for all of us. It's one of those dang Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: taking ownership instead of placing blame.

Because I could think, "I'm falling apart here and no one's noticing."
Or I could say, "I'm struggling. Can you help me?"

Because the truth is people do care. But they can't read my mind. They won't interpret the clues correctly every time. So, why make it so hard for people to love us, to see us, to know us?

Learning to ask for what I need is a lesson I'll be working on the rest of my life.
It's so much easier just to get mad.
Just to play the victim.
Poor me.

No, there's a better way.
I don't have to get upset when people can't read my mind.
I can ask for what I need.

So I will...

I need grace.

I'm getting married in 9 days. So when you ask me how wedding planning is going and I breathe a heavy sigh and say, "I'm stressed." I'm telling the truth.

When I say I'm not getting much sleep.  I'm having a hard time quieting the list, the doubts, the "what ifs" in my head. It's true.

When I say I feel delicate. Fragile. Worried. I mean it.

I may not laugh at that joke that made me laugh a month ago.
I may not smile as easily. But I want to. And don't give up on me.
I may not remember your birthday, that thing you asked me about, or the Thank You card.
I may not be performing at my personal best the next 9 days.
I may cry.
I may feel overwhelmed.
I may snap at you.
And I'm sorry.

I'm asking for your grace.
Your patience.
Your love.

And even though I will not intentionally want to disappoint anyone, I just might. 
And I hope you can accept that.
I'm not perfect.
I'm doing my best here.
Please let that be enough.


Anonymous said...

:) It is always enough. You must let it be enough.
From one person who disliked planning her wedding and felt shame that she was not as excited as everyone else and thought something was wrong with her... I send you thoughts of understanding. You will be stressed. You may not be okay. And that is okay. :)