Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Post-Nuptial Depression

Yesterday, I turned to Facebook for a break from the monotony of my job. And as I have many times in the past, I ended up looking at multiple people's recent wedding pictures: beautiful brides, happy people, cakes, and getaway cars and thought to myself: "I want that someday."

But then--shocked at my own response--I remembered: I already had that.
The wedding's done. The honeymoon's over. We're married now.

There must be some psychological condition--post-nuptial depression (if you will)--where you are depressed that this thing you built up in your mind, replayed over and over, and dreamed of, has finally happened. But it's over, and you kind of want the anticipation back: wanting to feel wanted instead of simply feeling had.

I suppose these feelings may stem from the fact that marriage isn't going how I thought it would. I thought we'd drive away into wedded bliss, honeymoon our hearts out, take a lazy drive across the country to summer camp, be greeted by people who would become fast friends, would be interested in us and excited that we just got married, and we'd live happily ever after.

How selfish, huh? It's all about me. All about my own desires being met. I suppose those ten year-old expectations die hard.

Because instead, it rained on our honeymoon. My grandpa died, and we rushed out of Nebraska to get to his funeral. We got to camp along with one hundred other strangers, who we've slowly gotten to know. And it's been bumpy ever since. I seem to still be mourning the loss of what I thought this would look like. I'm having a hard time letting that go.

I knew it wouldn't be perfect.
I knew we'd feel bored sometimes and run out of things to talk about.
I knew we'd still argue and disagree.
I knew it would rain.
But I didn't know how much I'd miss my close friends and family.
I didn't anticipate how difficult it would be to come to camp during a transition year between directors. 
I didn't expect that Helga would be as powerful as she's been since we've been here.
I didn't know how little I'd get to see Jeremy.

The only way I've found to resist a bad attitude over what was is to focus on what is.
False expectations turn to gratitude.

We've been married for seventy-one days.
We have good health.
We have great sex.
We have college degrees.
We own cars, phones, laptops, and other fun things.
We have food, a bed, and money in the bank
We have friends and family who love us.
We are safe.
We have each other.


kessia reyne said...

All very good things worth celebrating!

And yes, post-nuptial depression is real. All the focus, energy, stress, happiness that went into the biggest party of your life (thus far) and then... it's just over. It's kind of like seeing two days of Thanksgiving cooking gone in 30 minutes. --If you only planned to have one Thanksgiving meal in your life and you'd been dreaming about it since you were ten ;)

But soon these feelings will give way to other, more peaceful ones. And one day you and Jeremy will be looking back on these first few months and smiling at those crazy, early days of marriage. Flashmobs included :)