Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Snow Day

"Let's just see what happens" is one of my least favorite things to hear.

It means waiting.
It means handing over control.
It means a lack of production.
It means letting go.
And I hate it.

The way I can't predict it.
The way it leaves me uneasy.
Unsure.
Unplanned.
Out of control.

This morning, I woke up at 7am to find out school was cancelled: snow day.

You'd think I'd be thrilled.
Overjoyed.
Relaxed.
Calm.

But instead, I fought against my every instinct to get out of bed as I normally would and conquer my long list of to-dos. Arguing with myself all the way, I finally went back to sleep. Restless.

I was up again at 9:45am and since then the barrage hasn't ended.
All the things I "should" be doing with a day off.
All the ways I "should" be using these precious hours.
All the reasons I "shouldn't" have wasted time doing that thing.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Jeremy jokes that I help him be productive and he helps me be un-productive.
Which apparently--for this sorry soul--is the hardest thing in the world to do.

This is really a very unimportant thing.
So, I get stressed out over unplanned time on my hands.
No. Freaking. Big. Deal.

But that's Helga talking.
That's the voice of judgement and criticism.
On days like this I feel small and fragile and incapable.
And I write because I hope that someone out there gets this way too.
And feels stronger knowing that their not alone.

The best name I can give this uneasiness is perfectionist anxiety.
The struggle to let go. And let be.
The tension headache.
The fear that I'll be this way forever.






2 comments:

Emily Shafer said...

I felt like that today today when my work was cancelled. I can really relate.

Heather said...

Thanks, Emily. It's always nice to know you're not alone. I'm sorry your day looked anything like mine.