Thursday, March 7, 2013

Eleven Weeks

A dear friend asked me recently, "You haven't blogged in awhile. Are you okay?"

She asks because she knows that I only know how I feel about something after I write about it. And when I haven't written, I haven't processed. And when I haven't processed, I'm on auto-pilot. Making decisions on the fly. Merely keeping up.

We are moving in May. It's been a good 9 months of practicing adulthood and marriage in a safe place. And an even better 6+ years living in good 'ol Nebraska. We've created memories and become adults. We've received degrees and gotten married. This place has served us well.  And leaving feels odd, unnatural. But we know it's time and there isn't much here for Jeremy's career and we can only talk about seeking great adventure for so long until it becomes, well, all talk.

So we'll move in May, drop our stuff in Colorado, and head back to camp. Another place that has served us well and gives us a little time to plan our next move: Colorado or South Korea?

To Colorado? A familiar place with people we know, job opportunities, and the potential for graduate work?

To South Korea? A new place as English teachers with decent pay and the opportunity to travel?

The choice is actually less in our hands than I'd like to think, as the application mountain to work overseas is a bit steep.

And this process has brought up an interestingly conflictual situation in my life:
-I have eleven weeks left in Lincoln, a place we'll be sad to leave.
-I have eleven weeks left at my job, a place I'll be ready to leave.

So, in the same moment, I want time to slow down and I want time to speed up.
It's a problem.

This theme of "time" has been ever-present in my life for the past year or so.
How do we perceive time?
Why do some weeks drag?
And others fly by?
How does my awareness effect my perception of time?
Should I fill up these last few weeks with events, parties, and such?
Or should I do absolutely nothing and hope that slows it down?

Here's the central issue most of you have already come to: Why, my dear, are you so concerned with controlling time? Can you let time pass as time will and be content no matter what?

I want to say, "No."
But I'm going to say, "Yes."

Because no amount of willing the Universe to follow my directions will make it so. 
I'll say it 'till I believe it.

One freaking day at a time.


Kylie said...

I'm proud of you.

Time is weighty. It's okay to hold it in your hands and turn it about and look at all from all sorts of angles. It's alright that the idea of eleven weeks in Lincoln makes you feel this way.

"Be happy for THIS moment, this moment is your life."