Tuesday, May 28, 2013


Lately, I've had more questions than answers.
More pain than relief.
More split-second decisions than thought-out ones.
More boxes to be packed than furniture to sit on.
More forgetfulness than rememberedness.
More lists than tasks completed.
More thirst than fulfillment.

At twenty-five years old, I'm still learning my own rhythms. 
What makes me weary.
What my body does under stress.
Where I default.
How I handle change.

And even as I write these words, I know at time we all struggle with change. I also know that I'm more equipped now than I was five years ago. And still, change is hard. 

Last week, Jeremy and I had Skype interviews with a representative in Korea where we hope to spend next year teaching English. We've been accepted. We have several decisions to work-out still, but we are slowly moving in that direction.

My time at my job is over. I'll miss my new friends.

Our apartment is in boxes as we're moving on Sunday.

We're leaving the place where we met and fell in love and settled into our first apartment.

I'm not exactly sure where along the line I gathered that life would grant me the assurance I crave. When did I start to believe that things would be simpler than they are? Because that hasn't happened yet. And if history rings true, I won't be holding my breath.

The next few months are only going to bring more change and travel and packing and unpacking.
We are going from here to Colorado,
then to Idaho,
then to Mexico for my brother's wedding,
then back to Idaho,
then Colorado,
then, maybe Korea.
All in three months.
I'd best buckle in because the road won't be getting smoother any time soon.

I know my tendency in the face of change is to attempt to control it. To manipulate it to my liking. An ideal form, shaped by my hands, and fiercely protected from outside forces. An environment I want to perfect until it's less difficult to handle.

My other tendency--upon recognizing that change cannot be tamed--is to suck it up and become really harsh with myself: "Oh come on you emotional basket case! Pull yourself together. Why is this so hard for you? Get over it and get it done."

And--as the past has proven--shame  rarely never produces significant and healthy change.

So instead, here's another script:

"Dear Child,

Whew! You've got a lot on your plate right now. I'm so sorry you are weary. It makes sense, doesn't it? You're leaving a community of people you love, putting your life in boxes, and setting out on a great adventure that you're unsure of it's end. You can feel scared, fragile, and out-of-control (because frankly, you are; the control was never yours).

What is the most loving thing you could you do to take care of yourself right now? Talk to someone? Write it out? Drink some water? Put your feet up and rest? Take some ibuprofen? You know better than anyone, so please take the time to provide that care.

In the mean time, change isn't going anywhere. It's the only constant in life. You're learning tools to make these transitions easier and I am proud of you. So proud. Please know that. In the midst of these changes you'll use muscles you forgot you had. You'll adapt and adjust like a pro without even thinking about it. A year from now, you'll be even better equipped for the next round of changes. You're going to make it. Because you already are.