Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Daring Greatly

Lately, I've been reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly. It's jam-packed with goodness that is challenging me every day.

Here's what she has to say about SHAME:

We, as human beings, all want to feel worthy of love and belonging. We are drawn to connect with each other. Shame make us disconnected and desperate for worthiness.

"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

This is true of shame:
1. We all have it. The only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy. So, you either feel shame or you are a sociopath.

2. We're all afraid to talk about shame.

3. The we less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

"Shame is getting laid off and having to tell my wife.
Shame is hiding the fact that I'm in recovery.
Shame is my husband leaving me for my next door neighbor.
Shame is in infertility.
Shame is Internet Porn.
Shame is my boss calling me an idiot in front of a client."

As far as the brain is concerned, we experience physical pain and shame in the same way. Both hurt badly.

Guilt= I did something bad.
Shame= I am bad.

Shame resistance is not possible. But shame resilience is the only path to healing and wholeheartedness.

Four elements of shame resilience:
1. Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers- Can you physically recognize when you're in the grips of shame, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it?

2. Practicing critical awareness- Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving shame? Are they realistic? Attainable?

3. Reaching out- Are you owning and sharing your story? We only experience empathy when we connect.

4. Speaking shame- Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame?


KendraKay at said...

Shame is the worst feeling ever. Thanks for talking about it. Times when I feel shame acutely have dwindled to almost never, but it wasn't until I studied it (w/ my amazing counselor) that it started to lose its hold on me. Did you see Glennon Melton's TED talk? I think you'd find it interesting. :)

Heather said...

I just discovered Glennon and I haven't yet seen the TED talk, but I'll put that at the top of my good soul nourishing list. Thanks.