Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Shake It Out

"I am lonely."

The thought came to me this morning somewhere between getting dressed and putting on sunscreen. The room was empty, as Jeremy had left to take his campers rafting this morning early before I awoke. This subtle ache wiggled its way into the pit of my stomach. The feeling is disheartening because I don't know anyone who enjoys loneliness. But the realization is welcome because now I have a name for this thing I've been feeling.

When I'm lonely, I eat too fast.
I spend too much time in comparisons. Usually on Facebook.
I can't sit still.
I become hyperactive and unsettled.
I wonder where the peace went.

I don't mind being alone.
But loneliness is what happens when you want friends around and they are not around.

My dearest confidants are in Nebraska, Nepal, South Dakota, and Colorado. How did we all become so far away from each other?

This is not a desperate plea because I've lost touch with friends.
This is not a passive-agressive shout-out that I need more attention from anyone.
This is not a gripe about my husband and his busy schedule.

This ache is a poignant and powerful gift. 
It reminds me how good it feels to be loved and how lucky I am to know that feeling.
It reminds me that I cannot always get what I want.
It reminds me that I am a human being who thrives on connection.
It reminds me that I need people.
It reminds me that I can be here in this ickiness and survive.
It reminds me that I can know my way around this emotion.

It reminds me that--even now--I can be all right.