Saturday, January 25, 2014

Here and Everywhere

I'm often skeptical of tranquility.
Too much space.

Too much time.
Too much calm.
As if there's only so much to go around,
so we've all gotta suffer through this.

And while tranquility is something I've longed for,
I probably assumed that longing was the closest
to tranquility I would ever be.

I've felt this way since going to Cambodia.
Struggling to quiet my mind.
To be still.
Since encountering an existence that was both
full of chaos
full of alone time.
And if the eating disorder didn't kill me first
it felt like the loneliness was going to.

I hated being left alone.
To my own thoughts.
My own devices.

This overwhelming down time didn't feel tranquil.
It felt like solitary confinement.
And I responded accordingly: with fear.

But if tranquility is a real thing, it's here in Vietnam.
Specifically, at little place called FreedomLand.

It challenges me--this peace.
To slow down.
And soak in.
To rest.
And absorb.

To believe that peace won't hurt me.
That I can trust myself now.

And the thought of leaving here makes me sad.
Because it's not often I feel such peace.

You can be happy in Kansas 
(a place where people stereotypically assume is a barren place) 
and miserable in Hawaii
(a place where people stereotypically assume is heaven on earth).

It is not my destination that defines my joy.

I can be calm.
Here and everywhere.


Ashley Barber said...

Man, where haven't you been this year?! Good thoughts to carry with you to each new place, dear sister.