Friday, January 10, 2014

Now, I Would Scream

I wanted to write something new and interesting this week about Korea and culture and all that we're learning on this side of the world. But all I've been able to think about lately is our upcoming trip to Cambodia.

How will it feel to be there?
How will we find our way?
Will I remember any of the language?
How will my students react?
How will I react?

All kinds of feelings and questions without answers.
Just thoughts. Wanderings. Wonderings.

A friend asked me recently:
  "How would you handle what happened to you then 
   if it happened to you now?"

A good question.
And the answers came easily.

If someone sexually assaulted me today, I would scream, yell, make any noise at all.
Then, I would report it.
Then, I would move forward knowing--without a doubt--that I had done nothing wrong.

If I had an eating disorder now, on this side of the world now, I would go home.
Get help.
Get support.

If I were fighting depression now, I would seek help.
I might throw in the towel on how I thought this would go.
But that would be okay.
Healthy, even.

If I were treated the same way by people now, I would distance myself.
And move forward.
Feeling confident that their dislike does not guarantee my fault.

Essentially, as Carl Jung would say:
"I am not what happened to me. 
  I am what I choose to become."

I get that now.
I didn't get it then.
And I've spent a lot of time wishing that were different.
Wishing I had handled things differently.
Wishing I had thought differently.
Wishing I were different.

But I am not only what happened to me.
I am not the sum of my past "faults".
I am a very different person.

And six years from today, I might look at me now and wish I had done things differently.

But that's okay.
Because the goal isn't flawlessness.
The goal is wholeness.

I could never promise perfection.
But I will give my heart and soul for whole-heartedness.

That's how I see it now.
And that's all that matters.


Scott said...

I love reading your blog. I don't usually comment, but it's always so well written and so well thought. "The goal isn't flawlessness. The goal is wholeness." I think we could all stand to be reminded of that on a daily basis. Thank you for writing and sharing.