Wednesday, January 15, 2014

They Need Not Move In

Dear Child,

Can you believe you're going back to Cambodia in two days? The place that both broke and jump-started your heart? The place that tore you open and healed you at the same time?

Can you believe it?

I know you are anxious. 

I know you are scared.

I see it.

Because what you call "low self-esteem," what you call having "body issues", I call symptoms. 

You've always used your body as a metaphor. 
As a way of saying, "Something's not quite right."
So you'd have something else to think about.

To focus on.
To pick on. 

It's easier, isn't it?
To focus your energies on fixing flaws.
On correcting errors with Mother Nature's ways.
As if doing so will make this better.
As if doing so will make this go away.

Please, stop.

Just. Stop.

You're body isn't the problem. 
You're grasping at straws here, girl. 
And I want to help you, but I can't do this for you.
 I can't make this go away. 
So I just need you to let this go. 
To believe that even when it's hard, 
even when you want to argue with your reflection in the mirror, 
that what you're seeing isn't actually there. 
That you're getting this wrong.

You're anxious.
Be anxious.
Feel the edge.
Tap that foot until it gets blisters.
Notice that sharpness in your breath going quickly in and out of your throat.

Feel it.

Because anxiousness won't kill you.
No, it won't.
It's uncomfortable, but it cannot end your life.

So, I dare you 
(yup, I went there...).
I dare you to feel this without running.

Because I'll bet that once you sit with these fears.
Once you turn the lights on. 
It'll just look like plain 'ol feelings.

Emotions without a home.
And they need not move in.



KendraKay at said...

Yes! Truth. Thank you for writing. :)

Cassi said...

I've been struggling with similar instances. When I feel anxious, I buy clothes, try to workout, and hate on myself "into shape." It's horrible. Your message today spoke to me. It told me it's okay to feel. It's okay to be anxious. To feel is to heal. Thanks Heather. God bless your trip. <3