Friday, January 17, 2014

What Grandpa Always Said

In the years following my time in Cambodia, at nearly every family gathering, my Grandpa would ask with a sly grin, "Well, Heather-the-Feather, are you planning on going back to Cambodia any time soon?"

He knew the answer. I'd always say, "I don't think so, Grandpa. I'm quite happy to be home."

Then he'd nod his head and smile.

The exchange was always the same. Predictable, even. It's like it was his way of checking in on me. Though I've never hidden anything, I surely didn't sit down and explain it all to him. Did he know his granddaughter had anorexia and bulimia? Did he even understand what that really meant? It doesn't matter, I suppose. I knew he was relieved as everyone else that I had made it home safe and I wouldn't be going back.

Grandpa is gone now. And even though it was our little joke for a few years, if I could explain my reasons to him now, I know he'd be proud of me for going back.

And I think I am too.

This week, I've been feeling fragile. Breakable. Weak. But I figure that's to be expected re-visiting such an experience. And this is not a failure. Or a problem. It's not a deterioration of some kind of impenetrable iron-will.

As, Brene Brown says,
"I can be scared and brave 
at the same time. 
That's what courage is."

And I am scared. 
And I am brave.

So,  I'm probably exactly where I need to be.

Ready or not, here I come.


C.Guty said...

Praying for you guys. I hope it is an awesome experience.