Monday, August 18, 2014

America

I write from America.

From a country that I certainly poke fun at and have criticisms for, but still absolutely love. Less for its petty politics, disinterest in the environment, and embarrassing entertainment industry, but more for the people who live here and make it home. I mean, have you seen Colorado recently? Sheesh. What's not to love?

I write from America.

A place that is so very different from Korea. Home is a place where I know the rules and I understand the culture. A place where I can be independent versus co-dependent. I can drive a car. I can get around. I can speak the language. People make eye contact. People hold doors open for one another. Complete strangers make small talk. I am not a perpetual "foreigner", I am a native.




We've been here for about a week and already I feel myself thinking, "Tell me again, why are we going back to Korea?" Not because it's a horrible place, but just because it will never be home. Which is precisely why we left in the first place (...shaking my head...), we wanted something new. Something challenging. A "foreign" country where we would be "foreigners" and that's exactly what we got.

Last night, I had a panic attack. One of those crying, hyperventilating fits where it's hard to bring yourself down. It felt just like the attack I had a year ago when we landed in Korea. And surprisingly the reason on this side of the ocean was the same: These two vastly different worlds exist at the same time and I don't know what to do about it.

Obviously, the answer to that predicament is: nothing. I can do nothing about it. I should do nothing. I don't need to have this all figured out. But "nothing" feels too simple and all of this...ALL OF THIS...feels intensely complex. Like too much to hold at one time.

Like the best thing I could do is put it down
just wait and see
take a breath
observe
take it all in

but instead,
I squirm
I struggle
I wake up at 3am just pondering it all
I kinda, sorta make myself crazy.



And it's a good thing I have this guy.

Because today, we took a drive up to the mountains for space and quiet and all kinds of things that are not readily available in Korea. And the space has done me good. Time to focus on things that are true:
-We are in America.
-Soon, we will return to Korea.
-Korea is a good place.
-The people we love aren't going anywhere.
-There will be more of this in our future.
-We can do this.




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