Sunday, August 10, 2014

Next

During my last year in college, I distinctly remember sitting at the local coffee shop, in-over-my-head with homework and term papers, making a list of all the things I had to look forward to after college. All the things I would do. All the (non-text)books I would read. All of the simple pleasures I would treasure because I'd spent so much time buried in the demands of college.



And now, I've been out of college about as long as we've been married (over two years) and it's surprising how quickly we humans forget our past promises to the Universe and find something else to complain about.




In Korea, Jeremy and I spend forty hours a week at our jobs, but the rest of the time is ours. What a gift! We don't have kids. We don't have PTA meetings. We don't have anything else we have to do. Time is on our side. But recently, I heard myself venting to a friend the struggle of having so much time. Which, I know, to most of you is such a bizarre thing to whine about. Who doesn't want more time?

Well...this girl.


And I say that because time can make me anxious.
Unsettled.
Unsure.
As if I should be producing something.
Preparing for something.
Planning a life.
Figuring out a career path. Any career path!
I mean, I'm almost THIRTY!
Like we have this rare moment of "too much" time that we'll be longing for in a few years, and all I wanna do is sit and watch another season of Grey's Anatomy in one binge-worthy sitting.
Which feels like such a waste of time.
Because it is.

There's so much unknown ahead of us, that I find it hard to just sit with the time because it feels like it if I do, it will strangle me. It will swallow me up. So numbing myself to these unknowns is just so much easier than feeling them. 

It always is.

And I can assure you that this is not my over-achiever, type-A personality talking. Like I just need to give myself a break. No, this is really just a lot of time in the past year that has been sucked into computer screens instead of funneled into anything particularly rewarding (unless you call Buzzfeed GIFs "rewarding", in that case, I'm living the purpose-driven life). I notice this particularly if I'm not blogging. Because if I'm not blogging, I'm probably not learning or having meaningful conversations or experiencing much that is worth sharing.

And that feels awful. And I don't like saying this out loud. Admitting that I'm not sure where my purpose went. That I have so much time and no idea what to do with it. That I'm feeling a wee bit lost.

Going home to the States will be good. A small reset, if only for a few weeks. To reflect and figure out what to do next. How to navigate our second year in Korea. How to get perspective. How to feel instead of numb. How to love better. How to live better.

Breathing.
Writing.
Talking.
Listening.
And making the next best decision.
One day at a time.

Always. Onward.






6 comments:

Troy Beans said...

Heather,
Yes, I have noticed few blogs and I have missed them! I laughed out loud at your purpose driven life comment. Eccl 3:1 "There is time for everything" In Jewish culture a married couple were given the first year of marriage off. Free to be together 24/7. Some day you will have kids and very little time. The best example they will see is how much you love and care for Jeremy. You now have time to practice, Respect, love and to learn all about him so when the time is short doubts and frustration will not creep in. Make everyday a crazy romance novel and your anxiety will fade away and you will live a life that will be the envy of all.

B said...

I really resonate with this....

Christoffer said...

I resonate a lot with this post too. You've sat down and put into words what I keep wanting to ignore. I'm afraid of that free time too, and this just added to my understanding of why.

KendraKay at havemercyblog.com said...

I get this - even from my present whirlwind version of lostness. I too can use media to numb instead of connect and it leaves me empty. I want to practice doing nothing for 5 minutes and see if I can't build up a tolerance for it. There's only so much we can absorb at a time (good books) so we have to find the value of the time in between. Love to you in this season!!

Carley Brown said...

Hey Heather, just wanted to write a quick note saying I stopped by for a read. Hope your time back in the states goes well.

Anthony said...

I'm glad we got to spend time with you guys before you left.