Monday, October 13, 2014

Every. Single. Time

Growing up, I remember watching movies or TV shows that involved marriage proposals and thinking, How awful?!

In my wee little mind, I assumed that this guy was getting down on bended knee to ask this gal for her hand in marriage and she had NO idea it was coming! It was a surprise and she definitely looked taken aback. Ahhh. It was also around this time that my wee little mind thought: Oh no, if thinking about being proposed to makes me panic, maybe I'm gay! (and the only "oh no" in that comes because where I grew up, popular opinion was that being gay was a choice).

My views on relationships and marriage have changed a bit since then, mostly in one particular vein: This marriage stuff requires a lot of talking. 

Talking about how to sort the laundry.
Talking about what to eat for dinner.
Talking about what we want to be when we grow up.
Talking about why you said that thing and what did you mean by it?
Talking about how that hurt.
Talking about sex.
Talking about that little quirk that drives one of us up. the. wall.

Most surprising, are the things we talk about that seem so perfectly romantic in movies. Like, "I love it when you kiss me, and I love it so much more after you brush your teeth..." In 833 days of marriage, we are still learning how to talk about hard things. Still finding our way in this friendship/partnership/love.

Rarely does it happen that we are both on the same page and all the pieces fall into place and we can just read each other's mind. Oh wait, there was that one time last week when Jeremy had toothpaste in his mouth and he mumbled, "Hu nun" and I was like, "Yes" But most of the time pretending that we are mind-readers leaves us on separate sides of the apartment. Brooding.

It doesn't feel particularly sexy to have some of these conversations, but that's only because I got too much of expectations from Hollywood. I can tell you what marriage is not, but I can also tell you what it is:
-it is hard.
-it is wonderful.
-it is painful.
-it is healing.
-it is annoying.
-it is rewarding.
-it is laying my soul bare and vulnerable before the man I trust and being blown away and flabbergast that he takes me anyway. Every. Single. Time.