Friday, November 4, 2016

Twenty-Nine

Today is my birthday.
And I think this is the first time in my life that I've felt exactly the age that I am.

And while I might not have felt that way a week ago and I might not feel that way a year from now, it's true today. I feel every minute of those twenty-nine years ruminating inside of me. Because this week was heart-breaking in so many ways that have almost nothing to do with me and everything to do with people I love who are suffering.

And watching that pain has made me even more cruelly aware of this life.
This thing.
This space we borrow in the world.
That is ours today.
And gone tomorrow.

We are all temporary vagrants in this world, but we walk around like we own the place.
Like we know anything at all.
Like we can guarantee that the truths we held true today will still hold true tomorrow.
They might not.
And that's the transience of this life.
And the knowledge of that makes me feel exactly the age that I am.
Like I know too much about the weight of this thing.

And yet, I am hopeful.
Because I must be. 
Because if I can carry anything right now for anyone, it's hope.
And not a single, other thing.


In my 28th year...
1. What brought me joy?
Having a safe place to land with my parents after returning from Korea.
Living on Grandpa's farm.
Being nearer to family and friends that we love.
Celebrating four years of marriage.
Working as a barista.
Starting graduate school.

2. What are some of my favorite memories?
Walking with Jeremy (and the dogs) through snowy fields on the farm.
Getting a tattoo with my friend, Kylie.
Snowmobiling with South African friends in Silverthorne, CO.
My cousin, Destaney's, high school graduation with family.
Seeing Macklemore in concert.
Lake Mcconaughey camping trip and little Scarlett learning the work "turkey".
Celebrating Harry Potter's birthday with dear friends in Nebraska.

3. What did I learn?
World travel is sexy. And being home for Christmas is everything.
My parents are two of the most kind and patient people in the world.
Adult children really shouldn't live at home.
I wish I had listened to my grandparents stories more before they were gone.
The scary things are the most important things.
PTSD is real and has no expiration date.

4. What I did that I said I'd do?
-I did spend less time on social media and feel really good about the boundaries I'm continuing to establish around what my little-heart can truly handle.
-I did not read 40 books. Because graduate school.
-I did not take guitar lessons. And I understand why. I might let this one go.
-I did try Crossfit and really loved it! I loved the challenge. I loved the healthy competition. I may add some of this to my repertoire.
-I did continue my journey towards contentment. Always.

5. How about next year?
I just want to make it through my first year in grad school.
I hope Jeremy and I can just continue to lean-in to each other.
It'd be nice if we made a few friends in the area.
It'd be nice to find some Ultimate Frisbee.
I want to run a race or two. Maybe one of those fun color/bubble/mud ones!
Hike another fourteener.
Get outside.


This is what twenty-nine looks like.




Onward.