Honestly, I'm Struggling

If you would like to purchase a copy of Honestly, I'm Struggling, you can do so on-line on Amazon.

During my 2007-8 school year in college, I travelled as an international volunteer to Cambodia. Without any prior experience, I was plopped into classrooms of 8-12th grade students and did my best to teach them English. What I learned very quickly is that no matter how far you go, you take your baggage with you. Encountering a new country was exciting and going alone was exhilarating. I was ready for the adventure, until my baggage caught up with me.

My battle with anorexia--which had started 18 months earlier--followed me to Cambodia. I saw the entire experience through this lens, which in turn made every day seem darker, harder, hopeless. I was lonely. I was doubting God. I was struggling to find normal in a country that felt so foreign. My struggles didn't magically lessen, in fact, they increased. Later in the year, anorexia turned into bulimia, I was sexually assaulted, and I was hit by a car.

Human beings are really good at "looking" like we have it all together. The truth is, I've never met anyone who actually does. We all have struggles. We all hurt. I reached a moment during my time in Cambodia when I realized that, as Anais Nin says, "...the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom." Pretending I was happy was not an option because I needed help and I was scared of what would happen if I didn't get it. So I started telling an honest story.

Each chapter of Honestly, I'm Struggling was written in a blog, day-by-day in a sweaty internet shop in Cambodia as I wrote home about my experiences. Only after the fact was I contacted by Review and Herald Publishing Association to turn my blogs into a book.

This book is not perfect. It's not my finest moment. It's not information that most people would choose to be printed and shared with the world. That year in Cambodia changed my life and honesty continues to save my life. I'm learning from it and moving forward. With hope.